We Become Better Ancestors One Choice at a Time

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:22:13
Unknown
Sunday night comes online and my daughter loses a tooth. Oh, God. I go to my wallet. I have a dime. You cannot just leave a dime for kid. I sat my daughter down and I said, honey, I have to tell you something. And I don't know how to tell you this. And I just started sobbing and I said, there is no such thing as the tooth fairy.

00:00:22:14 - 00:00:34:10
Unknown
I am so sorry, but I don't have any money. She looks at me and says, Thank God.

00:00:34:12 - 00:00:59:13
Unknown
Here with my good friend Brenda Siri. And we're here to talk about becoming better ancestors. Sometimes us as parents, you know, we think the expected ation is way different than what it is for the child. You forget that they're children. People who come from dysfunctional families. We tend to always have this undying hope that we will be one day.

00:00:59:13 - 00:01:28:20
Unknown
They're going to see how great we really are. And when we come from dysfunction, if we make a choices to rise above it and not let the cycle continue, we and have better families. When you have a dysfunctional parent who goes through some kind of illness that's traumatic, that changes their personality. It's the gift that reveals only what's been buried underneath.

00:01:29:01 - 00:01:51:23
Unknown
Yes. Hello everyone. My name is Teevee and welcome to the Becoming Better Ancestors podcast. I'm here with my good friend Brenda Siri, and we're here to talk about becoming better ancestors. And we already are, because we are grandparents. Yeah. Thanks, kid. My producer's in the house and she happens to be my child. So we are grandparents. We are.

00:01:52:01 - 00:02:21:17
Unknown
Tell me what that's been like for you. What is that? What is that helped you to learn about yourself? Well, I think it starts with my grandmother. I adored my grandmother. She was, my best friend growing up. Know? Yeah, well, I had a. She had a crazy daughter. My mother was a very dysfunctional mother. And so my grandmother was my saving grace.

00:02:21:17 - 00:02:44:15
Unknown
I was told all the every summer it's time to go to grandma's. And as school got out, I got taken to grandma's, got dropped off and pick back up when it was time to go to school. So I got every summer with her and I loved her so much. And, and we shared birthdays. Her birthday was two days before mine, and, I cherished my time with her.

00:02:44:15 - 00:03:09:18
Unknown
And so I knew that I wanted my grandchildren to feel the same way about me. Right. So she was my role model for how to be a grandmother. Not everybody. How's that? No, I got lucky. So, yeah. Good for you. That's a really beautiful story. I'm already getting emotional. Is kind of crazy. That's okay. Yeah. So this is the podcast for that?

00:03:09:18 - 00:03:31:16
Unknown
Yeah. I, I didn't know my grandparents. Okay. In this, it's we're raising a we're born in Mexico. We immigrated here, so they stayed, obviously. And I never I don't remember them. I actually didn't know them as an infant or such as a young child, but I don't remember much about them. And most of what I do remember or have been told isn't the greatest.

00:03:31:16 - 00:03:49:04
Unknown
Okay. Tough times, tough people, economically there, as you can imagine, like it was here during those times. So it was a little heartbreaking. The ironic thing is I'm named after my grandfather. Oh, wow. And I don't have it. I should have just left it out. I have one photo of him. And I just shared it in the group.

00:03:49:04 - 00:04:09:03
Unknown
I photoshopped it. How? I actually was part of my Photoshop education when I first started learning. Yeah. So I photoshopped it, and I added myself next to him since I'm named after him. Yeah. I don't know him, but I look like him. Interesting. And I, like you. Was born. I was I was born one day before him.

00:04:09:05 - 00:04:30:12
Unknown
So his birthday is September 8th. I was September 7th. My dad made me after him. Yeah, for that reason. But I didn't have a connection with them, and that's something that I. To bring it back home is. I really want it. I want it for my grandchildren. Obviously want with my children. Yeah. But I wanted a strong connection to them.

00:04:30:13 - 00:04:45:22
Unknown
But I love that you had a role model. Yeah, that you had a role model. As to how you wanted to show up and what I imagine you wanted them to feel about you the way you felt about your grandmother. Oh, yeah. For sure. And how do you think that that's that's manifesting itself with them?

00:04:46:00 - 00:05:16:01
Unknown
You know, my grandmother was very, very poor. She, you know, was born in 1909. She was the youngest of nine children. Grew up in a poor family in continued to be very poor as an adult. And my parents made money in a, in a business that they owned. And so my mother bought my grandmother this, for all intents and purposes, very fancy trailer, the fanciest one in the trailer park.

00:05:16:03 - 00:05:39:05
Unknown
And, but in her heart, my grandmother was who my grandmother was, right. Regardless of the house. Right. And so when I would go there, my, my step grandfather, the man that she was married to, worked in the cotton fields. He picked cotton. And, I would stay with my grandmother all day, and she was very regimented.

00:05:39:05 - 00:05:57:08
Unknown
There was always a routine of getting up and, you know, making his breakfast and making his lunch and getting him out the door and then doing the dishes all by hand. Of course. No dishwasher. Then you have to clean the whole house, and then you have to take a morning break to have a snack, and then you finish cleaning the house in the laundry, and then you have lunch.

00:05:57:12 - 00:06:24:15
Unknown
Well, and then the whole afternoon was about us playing games. And games are something that is very important to me. I always made sure that my children play a lot of board games. They weren't stuck in front of a television with video games. Occasionally they could, but, but for the most part, I, I want, you know, that interaction that you get from playing games with your kids, and I do that now with my granddaughter and my grandson.

00:06:24:15 - 00:06:47:07
Unknown
You know, it's board games or my granddaughter right now is really into tea parties. So we have tea parties, right, or whatever. But there is that, that interaction, you know, that says, hey, I love you. I'm paying attention to you, I'm getting on your level. And that's what my grandma did with me. And I just think it, it goes a long way to building important memories.

00:06:47:09 - 00:07:11:01
Unknown
I love that play. Yeah, that's actually that's going to be in my book that I eventually write. You have to play. And the fact that you got that from your grandmother such an early age and is embedded in you is a is a beautiful thing. Because we don't play, we don't play as adults. And I have this just general thought around, what's the point that played look it looks different to different people.

00:07:11:01 - 00:07:35:11
Unknown
It could be actually playing a game, shooting basketball, swinging the bat. Sure it's playing t happen, right? Tea parties, with your kid. But having that party in your life, I think is essential. Because we work really hard. But where's the fun? Where's the play? And the fact and so the fact she did that for you is fantastic because you then feel like you needed to have it.

00:07:35:13 - 00:07:56:03
Unknown
There's that ripple effect for the general through the generations in the moment. She created something beautiful that you are also playing out as kind of one of the core concepts of this show is becoming better ancestors or doing things as ancestors, little things. They only had your grandmother that was poor. Yeah, but she didn't matter because she could still play and still be.

00:07:56:03 - 00:08:17:14
Unknown
And I feel that I, I think to many people I don't know that was my experience has been in the past. I don't wonder too much out there. But a lot of the parents, unfortunately, try to make up for what they didn't have. Right. And I've heard people, friends of mine actually said like, well, I'm gonna give them everything that I didn't have, and I can respect that.

00:08:17:16 - 00:08:40:07
Unknown
But what about the connection? Right? Like, you can buy things and I applaud you if you can, but if it doesn't replace the connection and actually playing and getting down on their level, like you said. Right. And I feel like it's, it's it's, it's becoming more and probably more and more a problem because now you have video games that are prominent in the homes.

00:08:40:09 - 00:09:01:09
Unknown
So what are you doing to continue to foster that within your family? So, we try every other Sunday as long as everybody has time to get together as family and, you know, eat a meal together, have conversation together and find a way to play games, whatever the games may be. Right. We need to do more of that.

00:09:01:12 - 00:09:25:05
Unknown
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, it's my family really enjoys it. What we at my adult children. But have you tried, going to one of those game show places? No. Super fun. So highly recommend it. So we left the kids behind and went to this place where you can play, like, Family Feud and and.

00:09:25:07 - 00:09:48:10
Unknown
Yeah. Or, prices. Right. Or jeopardy or and it's really fun and you compete as a family against each other. So we sort of split spouses and children up. So it's not spouses playing together because they know each other, so. Right. So I don't know. I mean, it's like we walked out of that, we were all like, that was so much fun that was such a great time.

00:09:48:10 - 00:10:14:13
Unknown
Because, you know, it's just like to the what you said, sometimes we forget to just have fun. So for us and our family, it's something that we do regularly. Just making sure that we all stay connected as much as we can in some way. And, you know, because we, all too often get too busy. And before you know it, your grandkids are half grown and you're getting older and.

00:10:14:13 - 00:10:32:03
Unknown
Yeah, you know, and then they're teenagers, and they don't want anything to do with you and forget about it. The game's over. Yeah. It's all downhill from there. Yeah, I, I think one of the best things that happened to me is I grew up poor as well, and also got divorced and then became poorer. I. Oh, yeah.

00:10:32:09 - 00:10:54:11
Unknown
Yeah. Is that possible? Oh, but I, I say that because I really got to appreciate the small things. And it's something I would like to encourage young people, parents who may be watching new parents, old parents is, just doing things. One of the things that I think we did really well as a family because I didn't have money, when you met me, we met.

00:10:54:12 - 00:11:15:02
Unknown
So for context, we spoke about this on like, other show. We'll have a link in this in the description that the marketing show, we met 15 years ago. Yeah. Which is crazy. But I was still freshly divorced. Right. So I was still going through all that. And I think I feel like when we first met and, like, we went to your house and swam in this saltwater pool, was during summer.

00:11:15:06 - 00:11:36:08
Unknown
Yeah, because I feel like it was a way for us to hang out and get to know each other. And because I had my daughters for the summer, yeah, they could also join. It was kind of the thing we did. But being poor, being like, just, let's say down on my luck a little bit and building a business, I had to be really good about finding things to do that didn't cost money.

00:11:36:10 - 00:11:55:21
Unknown
And there's a lot. One of our traditions was that every every week we had at least one thing we would do on Saturday or Friday and then on Sundays, meaning like maybe we'd go out route my go to, Austin, go to San Antone, my go to Oklahoma. But we would also just play, on Sundays we go to the park, with our basketball.

00:11:55:21 - 00:12:14:18
Unknown
We have sandwiches. Cheetos was the most inexpensive thing I could do because that's all I could afford. Right? So sometimes not having resources is is the best thing because it forces you if you want. If you want to be, I guess if you want to be resourceful and be creative and ultimately just have that moment to connect and not just be distracted.

00:12:15:00 - 00:12:45:14
Unknown
I mean, didn't you learn in that process that really all that mattered was that you were focused on your kids? That's what they wanted. You know, they didn't care. Yeah. If you were at Disneyland, they wanted you and your focus, you know? Yeah. So I'll tell you a funny story as you. Well, so it kind of has a sad lead in, but okay, so, I was married, and had my oldest son got divorced, went got real poor like you did that cause it's not.

00:12:45:15 - 00:13:13:12
Unknown
It isn't. It wasn't Jesse. Okay, okay. Thank you. Today's episode of Becoming Better Ancestors is brought to you by me. That's right. Teevee the marketer founder of Rockstar Dot marketing, where we help small businesses stop being invisible and start becoming unforgettable. That's what you are. If we run a local business and you're tired of throwing money away on ads that don't work, or worse, trusting your cousin's friend who does marketing on the side, it's time to call in the pros.

00:13:13:12 - 00:13:44:17
Unknown
We do digital advertising, video marketing, AI integrations, and strategy that actually gets results. No fluff, no excuses, just ROI. I head on over to WWE Rockstar Don marketing. It's a real thing and let's make some marketing magic. Have got remarried and had two more children and that husband, committed suicide. So, I then had two young children to raise by myself and, you know, I was establishing a career.

00:13:44:19 - 00:13:58:18
Unknown
But I certainly wasn't as established as I am today. And so I two had to be creative about things, and I really lived paycheck to paycheck.

00:13:58:20 - 00:14:32:01
Unknown
Seriously. Check in. A Sunday night comes along and my daughter loses a tooth. Oh, God, I would have lost it. I'm like, oh, God, do I have any cash anywhere? So I go to my wallet. I have a dime. You cannot just leave a dime for kid. Hello. You know, everybody's getting more than a dime. I go into my closet, I start going through all of my purse and see if I can dig up just enough change to be the tooth fairy.

00:14:32:03 - 00:14:58:14
Unknown
I couldn't do it. I didn't have it. And I didn't know what to do. And so I took my daughter, who was five, and thinking about this. Now I have a granddaughter that's going to be five in a few weeks. It's crazy. I sat my daughter down and I said, honey, I have to tell you something and I don't know how to tell you this.

00:14:58:14 - 00:15:26:11
Unknown
And I just started sobbing and I said, there is no such thing as the tooth fairy. I am so sorry, but I don't have any money. And your parents say that they're the tooth fairy, and I'm just devastated that I am having to tell this young girl. She looks at me and says, Thank God. She said it has always freaked me out.

00:15:26:16 - 00:15:47:02
Unknown
A little fairy flying under my floor and going under my pillow and taking my teeth. So I'm really glad to know it's not a freak. Okay. Oh my God. Well, I tell you that. Sorry to say that sometimes as parents, you know, we think the expectation is way different than what it is for the child. You forget that their children.

00:15:47:03 - 00:16:11:01
Unknown
Yeah, that they like. I think about this in the sense that a lot of parents know. Some parents lose control of their kids. They're 3 or 4 years old, they're already lost control. And like you're the adults, how do you how does that happen? And I get it. You know, they can be rambunctious and whatnot, but you set the rules and the boundaries and you create the stories and the traditions and the tooth fairy.

00:16:11:01 - 00:16:31:12
Unknown
Like, clearly there's been some assumptions been made on your part of her part, and she's scared to death. Yeah. But you draw, the universe and the world for them, right? I love Rumi. That story also speaks to just being honest. Yeah, I had to. Yeah, I had to, because you were falling. You were falling apart.

00:16:31:14 - 00:16:54:04
Unknown
Like, this is like I completely let my child down, right? Yeah. I'm on the flip side of that. I'm like, oh, no, I've never told them there's a juice fairy. Yeah, they meet your mom. I tell you. Yeah, I producers, my daughter, your mom, I tell you. And I don't even tell my Santa Claus either. I refuse to let that fat guy take credit for my presence, that I scrounge together some change to get.

00:16:54:06 - 00:17:14:12
Unknown
You know, to your point, I was a war. You're a fantastic human being. Thank you. It's always been sweet to know you. You're good people. Your son, by the way. I don't know if you know this. I do know she. He helped me in a tough time. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. So, I don't know if you know this, but her son sold me.

00:17:14:12 - 00:17:30:02
Unknown
And at the time, I think he's relatively new to selling cars. And he was he's kind of a rookie. And he. You connected me to him and he helped me out. And at the time, I was like, I really need a car, I don't care. I know my credit is terrible. I don't care what the interest is because I'm going to pay it off early.

00:17:30:02 - 00:17:48:02
Unknown
That's the commitment I need to myself. And so he sat there with me and we had a full day trying to go back and forth, and I didn't care what car. Yeah, but he he sat there and got the deal done over time, ended up getting the, Nissan Sentra, the red one. Out of. Yeah.

00:17:48:04 - 00:18:03:22
Unknown
Under heavy. Hulett. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I say grubs. But I really was grateful to him, and I know that I was, I was a value to him, too, but he sat there and he made it work. He made it work. I like I know it's going to be a terrible year. Stop trying to give you a good deal.

00:18:04:00 - 00:18:24:12
Unknown
It is what it is. That's it. I told you I had horrible credit. Yeah, but you were also a single dad, and he was raised by a single mom. And I think in the back of his mind, she knew you were trying to do something for your daughters, for yourself. And he wanted to make sure that he was doing something that also would help your family.

00:18:24:15 - 00:18:39:05
Unknown
He he definitely I to this day. I'm so grateful for him. Yeah. Because I think it was 8 or 9 hours back and forth. He'd bring another car. I'm like, I don't care. And this is a great car. Yeah, but can I afford it? I know, and I can, I can even give him a deposit, which I know that you don't need.

00:18:39:05 - 00:18:55:07
Unknown
And necessarily you give either in that, like, I can't give you a deposit. But I will pay it. So give me whatever interest in or like 20, 25% interest. It was ridiculous. But that's the deal he got me. And to your point, I do feel like he. He had a tenderness for me. You knew that I wasn't just trying to screw him around, but.

00:18:55:07 - 00:19:16:06
Unknown
Yeah. And, I so thank you. I never got a chance to thank you, for raising a good, good man. Good son. And I was maintain some contact with him. He's a good, good human. He is. Whereas it's hard. Honestly, very how he does. Yeah. But we've all had our stories together, right? And you just mentioned just a couple already.

00:19:16:12 - 00:19:46:08
Unknown
Yeah. How do you feel? And then if you're willing to share pieces of it, how do you feel that that has impacted and helped shape you, shape who you are today? Well, I was raised by an incredibly verbally abusive mother. Some physical abuse too. More verbal than anything. I never, I never really felt loved by my mother.

00:19:46:10 - 00:20:15:12
Unknown
Fortunately or unfortunately, my mother in the last year of her life, told me she wished I'd never been born out tough, but also kind of was like, okay, well, that makes sense because I never really yeah, it definitely tracked it. Right. You didn't imagine it? Yeah. And you know, a lot of the verbal abuse was things like, you're fat, you're ugly, don't go out in public without makeup on.

00:20:15:18 - 00:20:55:07
Unknown
Oh, nobody will want to see you that way. You know, just really, really tough, hard hitting words. When I was 11, my sister died. She was 25 years old. She got a form of cancer, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, which attacks people in their 20s, typically. And, And she got it, and it killed her. And for the first year, we moved six times because my mother just couldn't find a place for us to live that wouldn't take away her broken heart.

00:20:55:09 - 00:21:16:12
Unknown
And I went to six different schools. I was in the seventh grade. I went to six different schools between the seventh and eighth grade. Wow. All over the state of California, we weren't making like a little move down the street. We were moving. And, all throughout those moves in that time, you know, I really lost my mom.

00:21:16:14 - 00:21:38:06
Unknown
Like, I became the mom and my mom who became the one that needed to be taken care of. There was no time for me to grieve the loss of my sister. My mother was doing the grieving for everybody. Now, as an adult, I get it. Yeah, I mean, I, I cannot imagine losing one of my children. There's just no real power.

00:21:38:06 - 00:22:06:15
Unknown
You know, I, I couldn't I just don't think I could, but I for the consequences of that, you know, and and my sister, she could just so like you're an artist, I don't I, I look at the artwork and I just think, I don't know how you or anyone can make something so beautiful. My sister could so, like, we could go to a store and my sister could see this outfit and then just buy material and go home and make it out of powder.

00:22:06:15 - 00:22:30:19
Unknown
An issue and make her own patterns. She was very, very artistic that way. Her drawers in her, in her, dresser looked like, you know, the inside of the gap. I mean, everything was perfectly folded and put away. I mean, I was kid, my stuff thrown it, right? And my mother would yell at me, you know, why can't you be like her?

00:22:30:21 - 00:22:53:19
Unknown
You know? So. So it was such a hard time and. But what happened in that is it pushed me in a crazy way, right? The. Well, I'm not her, but I could be something good. Maybe you don't like me. Maybe you wish I was more. Maybe you think I'm fat and ugly. But I can be something. I can be somebody.

00:22:53:19 - 00:23:27:14
Unknown
I think it like stirred this fire inside of me to prove my worth to her. Kudos to you. Yeah. So, it was tough. Really, really tough, I can imagine. I, there's a few things you said there. I think there's a I literally just had this conversation with someone, where the parent was. She was a good child, perceived as a good child, and she was basically weaponized or against the siblings.

00:23:27:16 - 00:23:45:17
Unknown
The. Can she be more like her? And I just as as parents, we we have to avoid that. This is not a good strategy. I understand the reason for it. I like models, I hate them, but it just creates tension. It creates resentment and it both parties like both parties. I go, why? You can hurt me. It is hurtful.

00:23:45:17 - 00:24:07:18
Unknown
It's. And they're children. That's not going. I don't think that's a good motivating tactic. No other than creating anxiety resentment amongst each other. These and the other thing I really wanted to touch on that you mentioned is something about you made some decision as a child. So I had a rough childhood as we can all attest to.

00:24:07:20 - 00:24:25:11
Unknown
We all have had. Yeah. My father at one point I just, I've always been a scrambler. I'm an immigrant and I was also the first one to speak English. Okay. So I ended up being the translator for everyone. For everything. I helped people get out of jail. Wow. Six, seven, eight. I'm in jail trying to translate. Trying to.

00:24:25:11 - 00:24:48:01
Unknown
And my my uncle in here. My deal is in here. We here to, you know, post bail. Yeah. You know, I had to translator or any document that came in. I'm already translating. I get slapped if I didn't get it right or if I didn't get it or don't know what to like. I think about my nephews, my, my grandson, obviously he's a little younger, but that being that age, like, they don't know anything about anything, right?

00:24:48:03 - 00:25:10:10
Unknown
So that expectation. Yeah, I know English, but I don't know all that English. Right, right. There's so much I'll go into there, but there's a, there's a point where you get to high school and my dad says to me, I'm going to take me to school. Now as an adult, I think he felt that I was responsible enough to trying to defend him and think for him and like, you figure it out, you know?

00:25:10:10 - 00:25:26:05
Unknown
But what I where I heard is like, I don't care if you go to school, you don't go to school, right? You figure it out, right? I like that I'm going to graduate. Yeah. Like I'm going to finish this thing. Yeah. And I refuse to not do well. Like, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do well.

00:25:26:05 - 00:25:42:14
Unknown
Like, there's some something in my own little head that said, I'm going to prove to you that I can and I'm going to prove to the world that I can. I don't know how, but there's this fire inside of us that I suppose, fires up for some of us because I've been asked, like, how do we do? You mentioned I was in here.

00:25:42:16 - 00:25:59:06
Unknown
You didn't go to school for air. This is your profession, right? Well, I didn't go to school for marketing, right. I had to figure it out right. And now there's marketing degrees. Sure. Somewhere along the way, I was going to figure it out and have continue to figure out. And I guess that's for me looking back, you know, you have perspective now.

00:25:59:08 - 00:26:20:16
Unknown
Yeah. I think that actually surgery because I always had this I'm going to figure it out attitude. Right. And to this day is paying off. Yeah. Crazy, It's crazy how that works. And I'll use this, to kind of bring it back to this is I watched a documentary, and it's a story of this Olympian female boxer.

00:26:20:21 - 00:26:51:22
Unknown
Okay? It's a really tragic situation where she was molested. As a child. But she ended up becoming a boxer, and she is vicious, getting that anger out. Does that happen if she doesn't go through that? Yeah. I mean, it's interesting how we sort of pick ways to, fix some of those wrongs, right? I mean, I think that, like.

00:26:52:00 - 00:27:15:01
Unknown
I think about, you know, today, I've, I've shown my mother she didn't want me to be a teacher. Now I'm a professor, right? You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I just think some of that kind of naturally happens without us even planning for it to. Just like you said. You know, I showed my dad, I finished.

00:27:15:03 - 00:27:34:17
Unknown
No. I'm successful. Yeah. You know, it's it's funny because I always want it. You want your parents approval. You want parents to love. You always want to prove your worth and prove your value. And it took me till I was like, right before I quit my job. Actually, I had no I had quit my job and I was a trainer.

00:27:34:19 - 00:28:02:05
Unknown
I was a training specialist at minarets, and I taught leadership and management. When I was divorced and broke. Yeah, yeah. So why not just start a new company. Yeah. And I'm living in their, their garage. Yeah. At the time, and sleeping on the floor. Oh wow. And I come to him and I'm like, dad, you know, I'm trying to start working on myself and moving past the the resentment that I had builds.

00:28:02:07 - 00:28:21:11
Unknown
And I love my dad. And sure, from sincere purposes, he did the best job. He did. He could. So I come to him, my dad, you know, this is what I'm doing. This is what I'm working on, and and I'm I'm building something. And he's like, you know what, son? You know what I don't understand is, why are you sleeping on the floor?

00:28:21:12 - 00:28:45:20
Unknown
I'm like that one up where pop's like I'm rebuilding my life, and I don't care if I sleep on the floor. I had, it doesn't matter to me. Yeah, and we're not even talking about that, right? And I. Oh, he doesn't get it. It is completely outside his worldview. What I do, I'm like, dad, I teach people.

00:28:45:22 - 00:29:09:15
Unknown
Yeah, I'm in front of people teaching lessons in leadership and management and parenting. Almost like some of that stuff is parenting. Yeah. And people like my classes and you like. Yeah. I don't understand why you're skipping on the floor, though. Oh, you don't understand. I have to take away from something I talk about a lot is the expectation that he should understand and therefore appreciate and love me for.

00:29:09:17 - 00:29:46:12
Unknown
And I think once I lower that expectation, when one catches this interest and he's he's old man from Mexico, born in Mexico in those old times with all points of view. So me trying to get him to understand, is pointless. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing is, I think that people who come from, you know, dysfunctional families, we tend to always have this hope, this undying hope that we will be one day.

00:29:46:14 - 00:30:10:07
Unknown
One day they're going to see how great we really are. Yeah. You know, I mean I never thought one day my mom will change the way she is. I never thought that. But I did hope that one day maybe she'd love me more. Love me differently. Not say such mean things to me till the last day.

00:30:10:09 - 00:30:37:09
Unknown
And I finally got it. I don't know if I told you that, but my mom got dementia. Okay. And, Yeah, as a long road and in the just in the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life, I attribute it to this. My my mother had come from a very difficult background. She'd been through some pretty horrible, horrible abuse from her own father.

00:30:37:11 - 00:31:00:05
Unknown
And I just think the dementia took enough of her mind. Those bad things that happened away that the root of who my mother might have always been had she not been through those experiences, she might have been a better ancestor. She might have been a better mother, or she might have been a better grandmother. Because I saw a different woman.

00:31:00:10 - 00:31:22:01
Unknown
That was last few weeks. You know, she talked to Ginny. She told me she loved me. You know, things that like. And she. She sounded like a mom. Like she really meant it. You know what I mean? I mean, this is also the same lady that looked at my daughter one day in the third grade. She my kids, it was go to school in your school clothes.

00:31:22:03 - 00:31:37:11
Unknown
And when you're home, you wear your play clothes. You don't mess up your school clothes. And so she took on a pair of jeans that had a rip. Me and my mother happened to be there and told her she look like a slut. Oh, up. Yeah. So is that were those words just got tossed around so much, you know, let's call your grandkid.

00:31:37:15 - 00:32:03:20
Unknown
Yeah. She can't. So, you know, I think that when we come from dysfunction, if we make choices to rise above it and not let the cycle continue week and have better families. Right. And I think that, like you've done that Teevee, you've you took the things that you experienced from your time growing up and said, I'm going to do it different.

00:32:03:22 - 00:32:33:23
Unknown
And I did too, you know. And are we perfect? Not necessarily. But are we better but are trying to become better ancestors and better? Yeah, I it's it's funny, my father had a stroke. Boy, did he change. Not so much nicer. He's not crazy. He wants hugs. He wants kisses. He wants to be, called often. He calls me sometimes.

00:32:33:23 - 00:32:53:01
Unknown
And he says, I just wanted to hear your voice. And I'm like, who the hell are you? I don't recognize you because I remember him being very vicious and hateful and like, I'd scare my face. You know, this is a really common word in the Spanish Mexican vernacular, latching onto looking other means. Good. Adam, I should get the F-bomb right there actually is.

00:32:53:02 - 00:33:15:21
Unknown
It's one of the first Spanish words I. Oh, okay. Okay. And yeah. So then after the stroke to to witness and have him tell me that he wants to see me, that he misses me. Oh, this is strange. Hey there. It's me again. This episode, in case you forgot of the becoming better ancestors. This sponsored by yours truly and Teevee, the guy behind Rockstar Marketing.

00:33:15:21 - 00:33:47:15
Unknown
We all purpose driven businesses go from best kept secret to everybody's talking about them using digital ads, compelling video on marketing that actually works. If you got a message that matters but need help getting it heard, we should talk. Head over to Dot Rock star Dot marketing. Let's make you impossible to ignore. I have a different perspective for you because I too, when my mother was towards the end of her life, and I was like, who is this lady and where have you been my whole life?

00:33:47:17 - 00:34:21:00
Unknown
I that's what I wanted growing up. But what I realized is that's the gift. That's the gift that you get when you have a dysfunctional parent who goes through some kind of illness that's traumatic, that changes their personality. It's the gift that reveals really what's been buried underneath. Yes, exactly. I do think that on some level, well, it's it's some protection mechanism, right, to protect them from the world.

00:34:21:00 - 00:34:37:19
Unknown
That's hurt them. Yeah. And I do believe my father was thinking he could beat me into being a better man. I just don't think that ever really works. No, like, even in old times, I don't think that necessarily worked. And the argument can be made about beat them to be good men or good. I don't think that will work.

00:34:37:19 - 00:34:54:00
Unknown
I just eventually just made them hard, I suppose, and whatnot. But I don't think it made them better men. To your point, I definitely I took the approach that I did have choices, and I think that's what a lot of people don't really like. My parents, for my mom, I feel like she comes. She has a mindset they called the fixed mindset.

00:34:54:00 - 00:35:16:23
Unknown
I think. I think she's very and she's older. She's 82, 83. So this idea that we can adapt to become better, I think is like outside of their world, even in their lines of reality. Whereas we're smarter now, right? Right. We can adapt. We can change, we can choose. You don't have to be the same version of yourself that you were ten years ago.

00:35:16:23 - 00:35:39:06
Unknown
You through anybody? At least you should. Can you should we all know that now? And and I think that's something that I really took to heart. I and the reason for the name of the podcast Becoming Better Ancestors is we are somebody's ancestors. You know, like, obviously you have grandchildren now. It's their their children are going to feel the ripples of the moment that you had with them.

00:35:39:06 - 00:36:12:03
Unknown
I used to play with my grandma. Yeah. It was it was simple stuff. We supply tea. We don't need, you know, to parties. Right. And I decided to do that with that in mind. Like I'm there going to tell stories about me, and I want to make up. I'm I'm going to be dead. So I want to be know for sure, for sure, but I want to ensure that the likelihood of it being positive and insightful and that they can teach in the margins and that we we have we have control, more control than we give ourselves credit for.

00:36:12:03 - 00:36:33:03
Unknown
And it's tough, right? Because you have to fight your natural inhibitions. And sometimes you're just tired too. You know, I've said that too. Like it's easier to just get the hell away from me. I just want to watch. It's been a long day. I got the world is beating me up. Yeah, yeah. And you got to, like, really compartmentalize and make sure you have that energy.

00:36:33:05 - 00:36:55:22
Unknown
My granddaughter was over one day, and we were playing Candyland, and she's getting kind of bored with it, you know? And so instead of playing the game, she just wanted us to play with the little people and start talking. She changed the game. You changed? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's. Then I changed the game and I said, do you want to come to my swimming pool?

00:36:56:02 - 00:37:14:23
Unknown
And she her little character was like, okay. So we went. It was a rainy day. So we were kind of trapped inside, you know. So we went in the bathroom and I put my little person at the sink and I said, this is my swimming pool. And I put a little water in the bottom, you know, the sink, and just let the little guy go.

00:37:14:23 - 00:37:32:13
Unknown
And I'm like, we all the way down and man, like, you know, it's been months now since we did this. And she's like, do you want to go play with gambling people in the back room? You know, I made my own game out of it. But she loved it. And I guarantee you there will be a day. There will be she'll be a grandmother and she'll teach that game.

00:37:32:15 - 00:37:50:12
Unknown
Yes. That's this specific game that you just created and invented, and I we need to remember that everything we make, we can make up stuff. Yeah, we can play pretend with them. They don't care. And it's just beautiful. Once you realize that you don't, you have. I think we may have already said this, but you have to have toys.

00:37:50:13 - 00:38:11:00
Unknown
No, you can play pretend with the children because their imagination is the toy. Yes. And the moment you realize they're like, oh, okay. Right. But to your point, it takes energy. Yeah, it takes time. And in defense of our parents, yeah, they didn't have that right. They didn't have that privilege, as I would hope that they could have mustered it, but they didn't have the privilege.

00:38:11:00 - 00:38:32:09
Unknown
I actually have thought about this as well. I think they were always hangry. They might have been think about it. Yeah, I the world is beating them up. Economy, politics, job market. Yeah. I trying to find a job. My parents were immigrants were, but they were also, hungry. Yeah. So what can we do? What?

00:38:32:11 - 00:38:49:20
Unknown
What kind of. How do we show up as humans when we are hangry now? Yeah. I feel like most of the arguments that we have with most people are because we're hungry. I tend to ask my girlfriend, like, have you been interested? Wait, I haven't eat like some. Yeah. That is, we'll take away probably half of the argument is a theory.

00:38:49:22 - 00:39:12:09
Unknown
Yeah, but I feel like just taking that into account and thinking of our, our parents economically there, we're poor, I think what is what do you sacrifice or what we're scrambling to to feed the kids. Right. So I'm just trying to be patient and loving. And that's one of the things that and understanding that's okay. That happened some horrible.

00:39:12:11 - 00:39:30:01
Unknown
Yeah. Like some very bad things happened I, I was left in charge of I have four siblings, three siblings I was I was in charge. I'm like the moment I was 6 or 7. And like it says here are the interpreter. You help people get out of jail. You're taking care of the kids. Yeah, I'm feeding them. I'm making sure that we clean up the house.

00:39:30:03 - 00:39:48:02
Unknown
So exhausting for a child. Yeah, yeah. Like, how do you put that on a kid? But when you have a choice. Yeah. You don't have a fund. And, like, you just. Yeah, it is what it is and it's not. My story is very common. It's not uncommon. And it's fascinating when you look at it from that lens. I'm like, okay, then we can we can do better now.

00:39:48:04 - 00:40:08:04
Unknown
All right. Thanks, dad. Yeah. Thanks for getting this here. Thanks for, you know, leaving the rock here. I got it from here. Yeah. So that's that. It made you a more responsible man, though. And. Yes, like, you know, I mean, I think that there's always a lesson in everything we go through, right? You gotta find it. You had to do it.

00:40:08:06 - 00:40:32:12
Unknown
You got to be willing to. Yeah, some people aren't. Yeah, because it's easier to be angry. Yeah, it's easier to just. And I think everyone has a right to be angry. But at some point we got to also understand if maybe you don't forgive me. You understand. Yeah. And then you can do your work, right? Right. You do what it takes to become a better sense justice, to make better choices.

00:40:32:13 - 00:40:55:19
Unknown
They made the choices we need to make better. All right, I agree. I wanted to ask you about your book. Okay. Please tell me about your other book. Okay. So I wrote a book called Why Are You My grandmother? I'll start by saying, don't get me. All right? My grandchildren do not call me grandma. They call me Gigi, which is French for grandma.

00:40:55:20 - 00:41:25:01
Unknown
Okay, I wrote the book about my first grandchild. So I have a son who will be 30 years old in November. And he has been very troubled, troubled most of his life. He, is, has been in and out of prison many times. He is a drug addict. He's not made good choices. Not he was not raised that way.

00:41:25:01 - 00:41:52:06
Unknown
But those were the choices that he's made for his life. And, ten years ago, my son said, mom, are you sitting down? I have something I need to tell you. Actually, it's about 11 years ago. And, you know, I think when you're when you hear that kind of news, you just kind of go, oh, I know what's coming.

00:41:52:08 - 00:42:18:03
Unknown
Yes. Let me get a drink to. Yeah. He said, you know, I've, I've gotten a girl pregnant. She's not my girlfriend. It's kind of one of those things that happened. I've asked her to have an abortion. She won't do it. She's going to have this baby. And I'm like, okay, then, I don't know. A month later, he calls and says, hey, good news.

00:42:18:05 - 00:42:44:22
Unknown
She had a miscarriage. No baby come in. False alarm. And I'm like, thank you, I don't this kid does not need a kid. And then, who? Mid-May? No, no. Mid-April. Mid-April rolls around. I make another phone call. Oh, no. Well, mom, I lied. She didn't have a miscarriage. The baby's coming, and it's a boy, and she's due in six weeks.

00:42:45:00 - 00:43:06:23
Unknown
Oh, we further along that? Yeah, it's a baby boy. And, I mean, I don't know this girl. They're down in Austin, and, So I asked if I could meet her somehow. And so I met her on, or Skype. Skype. I sort of. What what was this? Yeah. What was back then? I met her on Skype, and, you know, she seemed very shy.

00:43:07:00 - 00:43:29:00
Unknown
She's. She's a young Hispanic girl, very young girl. And, she seemed shy and, you know, didn't know me from at, I mean, but she's carrying my grandchild, and I just took the approach of how could I maybe help you in any way? Have you had a baby showers and thing I can do to to maybe help make sure that you're ready for this baby.

00:43:29:00 - 00:43:49:02
Unknown
Come and and I would love to know this child, but that's your call. Because I know she's not in a relationship with my son. And I don't want, But I took that approach. Just know that I will be here if if I can help him in my life. And, I also have to be very careful. She was under the age of 18.

00:43:49:02 - 00:44:08:10
Unknown
I, you know, kind of felt like like I had a responsibility to talk to her mother and make sure her mother would be okay. You know, there were lines that were fine. Anyway, she ended up having him. Her mother called and let me know that he was born. And, I said, if there's ever an opportunity, we would love to meet him.

00:44:08:10 - 00:44:35:12
Unknown
A week later, we were invited to Austin to go meet my grandson, my first grandchild, and, it, you know, started a long relationship, a lifetime of, of love with this little boy who I wasn't expecting. Who? I didn't get to see that often because we didn't live in the same city, so we made it a point to see each other every three months.

00:44:35:12 - 00:45:17:07
Unknown
Okay, that's pretty good. Not bad. But one of the things that I knew and would talk with his mother about is at some point, he's going to wonder who this lady is in his life, right? Because he's calling me Gigi. He's not calling me grandmother or grandma. Right. There's no dad figure there. And at some point when you get to that point in school where kids start talking about their families, wait, he's going to be like, wow, she, you know, so I wrote this book because one day I thought, Caden, that's my grandson is not the only child on this planet with these circumstances.

00:45:17:09 - 00:46:06:00
Unknown
Yeah. And I am not the only grandmother out there with these circumstances. And so I wrote the book from the perspective of a child so that you can sit and read it with the child. So it's in Caden's voice about who I am and how he knew me and how we came to be a family. And how we had to finally discuss that I'm actually his grandmother, and that his dad is not in a place to be in his life, but he still has a family that loves him, and he's still a very blessed young man because he has two grandmothers and a loving mother, you know, and that that's really what it's

00:46:06:00 - 00:46:32:03
Unknown
all about. SD on so many levels. You'll see you. I applaud you for creating a relationship with him. Yeah. And thinking ahead and about that conversation. Yeah, I will tell you, there is, there is a full circle moment in this as well in that cadence. Mother is an excellent, excellent artist. And she did all the illustration for the that.

00:46:32:03 - 00:46:51:18
Unknown
Oh, you got to be kidding me. Yeah. So it's kind of cool. It's it's my story through her son's eyes and her artwork and all of it is pictures. It's real pictures that she took and and turned them into, you know, the book. So it's safe to assume you have a good bond with him since that conversation as well.

00:46:51:18 - 00:47:23:11
Unknown
Like, how's that? How did that play out? Well, we have always had a beautiful relationship, and I'll. I'm just an honest human being. And I will tell you that right now, his mother isn't speaking to me or to our family. She's she's, a young lady who got thrust into adulthood very, very quickly with Caden, and she's wanting to spread her wings right now, and, and, maybe just isn't making decisions that I would make.

00:47:23:11 - 00:47:44:16
Unknown
But I know she's a good mother. She loves my grandson, and I, you know, as family, we are stepping back and giving her the space and pray that one day, you know, she'll feel the need to, to reach back out to her. So it's it's been hard because he's been very, very important to our whole family.

00:47:44:20 - 00:48:07:00
Unknown
So this brings up another thought. And I've shared this with you before. Life is messy. Yeah. Sure is. There's this forward and backwards. One step forward, two steps back. There's there's never a true right. We imagine it like we're always moving forward. Yeah. It's it's a it's not perfect and it's not perfect. I thought about this. This thought came to mind to me.

00:48:07:00 - 00:48:29:13
Unknown
When to me, for me. But when I was doing, genomic genealogical research, and in doing that, like, oh my goodness, like, what's happening here, how I'm trying to map the family and it just it makes it crystal clear that everything that's happening today is messy as it is. It's always been this way. Oh, probably more so, yeah.

00:48:29:13 - 00:48:58:18
Unknown
Because people would get away weren't things that were unspoken and families were being broken, adulterous, affair, you name it. And it just makes me appreciate, like, okay, it's not right or I wouldn't. I don't agree with it right to your point. But it is. It is what it is. And it's always been the same. It's going to be a little messy and, I just the best thing you could do is do the right thing, the best thing in the moment and be be loving, for the individuals.

00:48:58:18 - 00:49:19:14
Unknown
And I guess what would make me even feel to go back to that for a second, how messy it is, is that there are people that are having children and like, they're all over here and then they're over here. I'm like, oh crap, it's okay. We're all doing the best we can. We're trying to feel love and compassion and moments and it's messy.

00:49:19:16 - 00:49:45:07
Unknown
This is messy. I have a quick genealogy story and she's sharing, so I, I took a DNA test when rainwater was, high school because my mother had always told me that we were, Cherokee Indian. I know, I looked just like I would be right, that we were Native American and that, you know, she she she was born in Oklahoma.

00:49:45:07 - 00:50:04:22
Unknown
And her, she, her dad had separated from her life very young and, and, I think that's where she was told that that was the case. So I did the DNA test because I'm like, hey, if we are, I think there are benefits for my daughter for college, so I might as well do. What the heck? So I did it and came back and zero.

00:50:05:00 - 00:50:37:12
Unknown
Yeah, not one bit. But I learned a lot about about myself and my genealogy and and that was cool. And then my mother died, in 2018, and a week after my mother died, I got this message, through ancestry. And it was this guy in Arizona, and he says, hi, Brenda. I think, you know, our DNA match shows that I'm your third cousin, and he starts giving me enough details.

00:50:37:12 - 00:50:59:00
Unknown
He he gives me the name of my great grandmother. He gives me the name of my grandfather, my mother's father. I'm like, oh, guy's probably legit, right? And I told him, I said he wanted information about my grandfather. And, and I said, hey, so my mom just died last week, and I'm kind of, like, still dealing with that.

00:50:59:00 - 00:51:21:21
Unknown
Could you maybe check back with me in a month or so? Let me just get through of things. So a month later, he is back in touch with me and he goes, hey. So I, don't know if you're aware, but your grandfather had other children with another woman. He had six other kids. Oh, three three male and three female.

00:51:22:03 - 00:51:47:08
Unknown
A little missing. And, he says, so you've got aunts and uncles out there, and I'm just blown away because, you know, my mother, was their only child. Okay? She my grandmother remarried and had another child, so I only ever knew my mom. One uncle who happens to be gay and doesn't have children. So I didn't have cousins and that kind of stuff.

00:51:47:08 - 00:52:05:10
Unknown
Right. So when my mom died, I just kind of felt like I'm all alone and I have no family. And boom, all of a sudden this is where it's now. It's me. And vexed that. So I, I, I contacted the ones that he could find. The reason he couldn't find three of them. The state already passed away, but he could find three of them.

00:52:05:12 - 00:52:25:12
Unknown
And I reached out to them. And, I will tell you, man, that's not a gift, because those people are amazing. I mean, they just took me in. I have a huge family now. But they are in loving. They knew of my mother, I, I didn't I thought my mom didn't know about them, but she did. They had met her.

00:52:25:12 - 00:52:48:04
Unknown
They knew her. They had had her picture up in their home. I mean, yeah, it was crazy, but, Yeah, that genealogy stuff. You got to be ready because it is messy. As messy as it's. Yeah. Is. I dare any family, any individual find to look into their family and find like clean, elegant. There's no such. There's no such thing in perfect family.

00:52:48:06 - 00:53:04:02
Unknown
It just isn't. And we we have to get over it. Yeah. And and I just in, in modern times, I need to look at it from today's point of view, like these things that are not convenient. Yeah. Not, the way you would like them. You just are. And now you just had to deal with what is.

00:53:04:02 - 00:53:22:12
Unknown
And faster, the better. So that way you're not creating damage. Yeah. I mean, there was there was a time when I was afraid, you know, oh, I own my own company. And, you know, I'm this prestige person in people's eyes to tell people that I have a kid that's in prison and he's a drug addict. This isn't afraid of the perception people would have of me.

00:53:22:14 - 00:53:45:00
Unknown
But the fact of the matter is, is I one day we'll leave this earth, and I will not have to wonder, did I do everything I could have for him? Because I did, and I know that more than enough. I tried my hardest. But people make their own choices. And the fact of the matter is, is, like you said, everything is messy.

00:53:45:00 - 00:54:09:00
Unknown
And if somebody out there wants to say their family's perfect for them, but I, I'm not going to research it. But I just guess that's not the case. Yeah. With regard to your children and your son, something that I've had to really work through and learn, especially as children get older, is you've you done your job as best you could.

00:54:09:02 - 00:54:29:08
Unknown
Yeah. And now it's up to them to live their lives. How was that for you? Like. And obviously that was a true test of being able to let go like that is he is a grown adult making his own choices. How what was that learning process for you. Because it's been challenging for me. Like I wouldn't do that or out but it's not my choice to make is their lives.

00:54:29:08 - 00:54:48:20
Unknown
I don't own them now. Right. So but you still are their parent. So your natural inclination is to at least want to guide them or give them advice, or let them know how you would do it. And you do it enough times and they don't want to hear it. And you finally just go, you're right. Yeah, it's your life.

00:54:48:22 - 00:55:07:22
Unknown
It's your life. I'm just I'm just an observer now. Yeah. I best, and I love you. And I'll be here. Yeah, yeah. Brenda, thank you so much. You are so welcome. Where can we find your book? I would love to make sure that we include it in the link. And we will, it seems like a fantastic resource because you're not.

00:55:07:22 - 00:55:37:11
Unknown
You're not the only one. Oh. Thank you. So it is available on Amazon. It's also at Barnes Noble. It's called why are you my grandmother and I use my real name so written by Brenda Syrie and illustrated by Christy Patterson. The the cover photo is one of my favorite pictures of Caden and I. He was sitting on my lap and I was holding him and something funny was said and we both through our heads back and laughed and and, you know, he's such a blessing is not a mistake.

00:55:37:11 - 00:55:58:14
Unknown
And he is, you know, part of, of the continuing, you know, ancestry of my family, you know. Yeah. I'd love for anyone who, you know, would like to pick it up. Read it to, you know, it's not it's it's from Hayden's perspective, and it is about a child, but, you know, there are grandparents that are helping to raise children.

00:55:58:14 - 00:56:17:23
Unknown
There are aunts and uncles who are helping to raise children, you know, and and there are lots of kids out there who just need to know that, that they're still loved. You know, it may not be their parent, but they're there's somebody that's there in their in their shoes, giving them their love and compassion. Yes. Good for them.

00:56:17:23 - 00:56:35:14
Unknown
Good for you. Thank you. Thank you so much for being a show. My name is Teevee with the Becoming Better Ancestors podcast. Make some choices today for yourself, for your family. Create some ripples for the generations to come. You have a choice. Let's do better. Yep. Till next time. Bye bye.