Want a Stronger Relationship? Learn to Fight Better.

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:24:07
Learning to argue arguing a well in a in a conversation with a partner or with anyone really, but specifically with a partner. That's a conversation that I've been having a lot recently with people that I'm really close to. Friends, family. And one of the biggest lessons I've learned about having a successful relationship is arguing, well, the truth is we're we're going to disagree.

00:00:24:09 - 00:00:48:00
And when I was young, I believe that, not arguing was the key to the success, the relationship that you shouldn't argue. I grew up in a very argumentative home. Almost every conversation was over. Arguments, disagreements. And there was screaming. Yelling, as you can imagine. So I think I overcorrected as I got older to this idea that a good relationship should have no arguing.

00:00:48:05 - 00:01:16:12
But obviously that was foolish and, naive. You're going to disagree. It's it's inevitable. Ideally, and this is the big premise of this entire video and my philosophy around this as well is if you truly love each other, if there's still love in the relationship, there's so care, tenderness, compassion for the other person, then the argument is not the end of the world is actually a great a great thing.

00:01:16:12 - 00:01:42:10
Because you can is something that you could probably resolve if you have the same values. And if, if you do not, if you're too far gone in your relationship and there's nothing but disgust, disdain, malice, then you're probably arguing because you hate each other or you cannot stand each other. Then obviously whatever I say after this, in the next within this video is of no significance.

00:01:42:10 - 00:02:18:10
And you're probably going to tell me I'm stupid. Anyway, so tell me that that's what, arguing while arguing, essentially, as I've learned, is when two people are misaligned, one person wants one thing, so there are one lane and the other person wants something else originally. So it's it's realigning, right? One person has an expectation. And that's a topic for another video that I want to talk about is essentially everything that we, we feel is a, a conflict between what's happening in real life and, and expectation that we may have it.

00:02:18:12 - 00:02:42:21
So within two people, a couple essentially this is just specifically for couples or even parents, sons, parents and children. You're misaligned. You have different expectations of what things should be. Well, once again, this is not for cheating. This is not for stealing from each other, violating each other's trust in that way that may be able to be resolved.

00:02:42:23 - 00:03:03:22
But that's not for the topic because it's just day to day arguing or, crap that you may get into that trade into bigger things. Arguing is really important. So you're trying to realign each other. You're trying to get back into, I have a really, really great relationship, so I'll use myself as an example. And I've also been in a relationship.

00:03:03:22 - 00:03:29:09
So although good or hostile. So number one, if you're arguing, no, that it is human nature when two people or 1 or 2 people are in a, in a group, in a relationship, whatever it may be, you're going to disagree. So that's number one. Just be okay with the arguing, the disagreements. Don't be okay with the hate if you're just absolutely slamming each other.

00:03:29:11 - 00:03:53:06
And that's another rule for being able to rule. And I learned this when I was in, training. We're in the training department long time ago. As a basic rule, never attack the person. Never make it. Make them common names. You're stupid. You're a moron. This is why I can't stand you. If you truly love each other, you shouldn't be attacking each other like that.

00:03:53:06 - 00:04:18:14
Anyone is. But now it becomes about the human and it becomes an attack. It becomes a personal attack. It should be. You should be speaking on. Excuse me. Criticize and speaking on the behavior itself. What you did hurt me or what you did doesn't align with our values as a couple. Specifically with children. I always use this with my children as well.

00:04:18:14 - 00:04:46:09
It wasn't an argument per se, but it was a, coaching session or a parenting session is never, never labeled. You're just stupid. And I used to get that all the time as a kid. You know, you're the stupidest kid. The older you get, the stupid you. How is that going to help this conversation? If you know the individual, the human being feels like they're not valuable or or worthwhile or they just feel insulted.

00:04:46:11 - 00:05:12:00
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00:05:12:00 - 00:05:38:01
Unknown
We do digital advertising, video marketing, I integrations and strategy that actually gets results. No fluff, no excuses, just ROI. I head on over to WWE Rockstar Don marketing. It's a real thing and let's make some marketing magic happen. Speak on the behavior. Keep it on the behavior that you don't agree with. See here. So I'm never calling names.

00:05:38:03 - 00:06:12:21
Unknown
Let me back up a little bit. If you get into an argument and you find yourself incredibly emotionally just triggered and you feel like you're about to lash out, those, you know, speak from personal experience in my relationship, like I was saying earlier, I have a fantastic relationship. But of course we are you. And there's been a handful of times where I, I lost my mind and I tend to not scream or raise my voice, but I definitely did a couple of times.

00:06:12:23 - 00:06:36:15
Unknown
And in one instance, I had to walk out. You have to take a beat. If it's that hostile, you have to take a break to let the emotions subside because your your nervous system is it wants to react towards the finish. You have to remember that if you react instinctively and in the moment, it is not in your best interest because you're not thinking rationally.

00:06:36:17 - 00:07:01:19
Unknown
Say you're not going to say the things that you're probably going to say, things that hurt the other individual. So when I say take a beat, it could be just taken a few minutes of walking away, going for a walk. I'd say this to people all the time, let's just go for a walk in, come back. And in some instances I was just I told my partner, like my fiancé, like, I don't want to talk about it.

00:07:01:19 - 00:07:20:23
Unknown
I love you, but I don't want to talk about it because I'm not going to say something or it's going to come off way too emotional. And I'm not. I'm just going to say I'm not going to talk about it. And the craziest things happen. At least I feel like this is what will happen for you as well as you take this approaches.

00:07:21:01 - 00:07:46:18
Unknown
Okay. I'll use me as an example. Maybe not you, but. It's often I wake up in the morning and I remember that I was mad the night before, but I don't remember what it was about and there was no alcohol level. I just, I can't it is sleep allowed it I guess to just rest and I remember and now I feel this sense, this desire to apologize.

00:07:46:18 - 00:08:18:06
Unknown
Now once again, if it was somebody cheating on you, if she was cheating on me, I do remember that. But it's not that. And that's the point. It was probably some insignificant argument about something that really doesn't matter. And that's the thing that I, I have found that in our relationship is true. And that wasn't true in many other relationships, that what I witnessed in my home is that the smallest things would trigger the other person, and then at times that would happen to me in real time with my person and I.

00:08:18:07 - 00:08:40:17
Unknown
I would realize like, why am again, this isn't even matter where the forks go. Who does the back to who took the trash out, right? So it's like stupid stuff like that. So unless it's cheating, of course I do remember that's adult. I'm not trying to say, you're going to forget that. But, you know, in most instances and if you're being honest, it's not going to be significant.

00:08:40:19 - 00:09:05:01
Unknown
Next, next big rule for me is, try to take care of these things as they come up. You can't put off these conversations if you know that something bothering you, something. Hershey. Your expectations were met that we were you were expecting. Or maybe you're pursing. Your partner said that there would be going to pick you up at eight and then show up to 845.

00:09:05:03 - 00:09:29:07
Unknown
And you been ready? I actually had a relationship where I got furious. Woman I was dating told me she'd be at my place at eight. She didn't get there till ten and then made me feel like an idiot for even being annoyed by it. And I was furious anyways. But taking care of that argument in real time, the more consistent you are with that.

00:09:29:13 - 00:09:51:18
Unknown
For me it's been it's been really clear. The more the day to day relationship is easier. The problem raising and maybe I'm speaking the obvious, but I'll go ahead. And sure is in most instances we just try to brush things off like, okay, I'll get over it. No, you all, you're just you're distorting your mind for later. Let me add that.

00:09:51:18 - 00:10:18:06
Unknown
Or 2 or 3 weeks, four weeks, years of doing that, the inevitability that you're going to blow up at each other over small things is pretty stinking high. Hey there, it's me again. This episode, in case you forgot of the becoming better ancestors. This sponsored by yours truly and TV. The guy behind Rockstar Marketing. We all purpose driven businesses go from best kept secret to everybody's talking about them.

00:10:18:08 - 00:10:38:20
Unknown
Digital ads, compelling video on marketing that actually works. If you got a message that matters but need help getting it heard, we should talk. Head over to Dot Rockstar Dot marketing and let's make you impossible to ignore. Really, really high in. Can you keep in mind when you blow up is not because one thing triggered you? Because the dishes.

00:10:38:20 - 00:11:03:08
Unknown
What I've done is because there's a lot of other things that work on result. And it's it's a lot of work that if you're maintaining that on a day to day basis, week to week basis, it becomes easier to clean to take out that trash, right? To sit down and talk about it because they're being honest. And so here, I think it's really common for people in relationships to try to keep the peace and not are you.

00:11:03:10 - 00:11:22:01
Unknown
And I can respect that. I've done that myself. And then later off, I realize I was just being a chicken ship. I was being a coward because there's things that really did bother me, and I was trying to pretend like it did. And obviously when it boiled over, then things were sad, emotions were hurt, people were hurt.

00:11:22:03 - 00:11:43:03
Unknown
And it didn't serve the purpose. It didn't serve the relationship. You're just putting off the inevitable. The relationship will end at one point or another, and maybe it should. And that's the point. If it's something that continues to happen and the other person does it really make amends or try to make it better, or you don't feel like you need to continue?

00:11:43:03 - 00:12:11:21
Unknown
Buddy? You choose putting off the inevitable and maybe you aren't a good match. And, I'm just going to call it because I think too many people force relationships. They they're forcing that peace or the puzzle to fit them. And in many cases, it just it just doesn't work. They're trying to force this piece to fit because of convenience, because this is the best we can do, because maybe this is what it's about.

00:12:11:21 - 00:12:27:16
Unknown
And that's that's a real feeling, right? I career under many relationships where I thought this is the best I could do, so I just need to suck it up. And, clearly this is the way relationships work, because my parents used to do this all the time, so I should just be in a really hostile, volatile, toxic relationship.

00:12:27:16 - 00:12:46:17
Unknown
And it's not the case. If you don't talk about it, you're forcing something. So one, you're going to break up and it's going to be out there and you're going to dump on each other at the end. Everybody is going to that or two, you're going to stay in that relationship and you're both going to be miserable. And that's that's not good, is it?

00:12:46:22 - 00:13:06:12
Unknown
I don't think it is. I don't now, I believe that we deserve to be happy, and there are people that will align with our values if we're truly being honest and Sierra loving, faithful, all those good things, we all deserve that. So being miserable should not you shouldn't not be okay with being miserable. And that's that's just.

00:13:06:12 - 00:13:31:04
Unknown
Well, I guess if that's your thing, buddy, if you get off on being miserable, then good for you. But if you desire a relationship that actually shows, empowers you, loved you, makes you feel seen, heard, wants it, then you you probably should have those circulation, those tough conversations and move on. You have to be honest. You have to be honest.

00:13:31:04 - 00:13:50:15
Unknown
There's there's somebody out there for you. It's just a matter of time. If you just continue to be honest, work on yourself and develop that and learn to argue and come back to begin it. Arguments ain't the end of the world. Arguments are beautiful. I find that, for those from a friend of mine, that and this person.

00:13:50:16 - 00:14:12:03
Unknown
True, I'm really this to be true. Once I have an argument with my person and we talk about it and the woman, there's a sense of joy because we overcame something that was bugging us. Maybe we both were hostile and angry or we had to. I literally had to log off when it was bad or I got mad, or you don't talk to me.

00:14:12:05 - 00:14:32:12
Unknown
Or when I came back, I felt a little better. I sat down, we were able to talk. But if you find that you're able to to, come to peace. Oh, my God, I don't think that's why make up sex is so good. Because if you're truly making up and, realigning, then we're going to find yourself in such a beautiful place with that person.

00:14:32:12 - 00:14:53:23
Unknown
If you do that consistently, you're going to find that the big things are not that big, and the small things are really stupid. Really stupid. Argue. Well, debate. Well, don't attack each other. Attack the behavior or the this alignment, the expectation that you have. Maybe it was an expectation of this foolish on one person. Maybe it was realistic and you just didn't know it.

00:14:53:23 - 00:15:14:17
Unknown
I know I was guilty of that. My girl I dated once had some expectation of what a man should do, and I and naive and dumb and kind of hood. I didn't know what a gentleman should do. Should be furious at me. And I'm like, why she's so mad? I don't get it. But it's because she, expectation that I didn't even know about.

00:15:14:18 - 00:15:34:16
Unknown
Once we spoke, I'm like, yeah, I can do that. I can walk on the outside of the the walls of the street. I can open every door. I can do those things. It's not a big deal. But the anger that she had for me, the hostility was through the roof. And I couldn't understand why. So it's just an example of having those conversations and being able to understand what the other person wants and realigning.

00:15:34:18 - 00:15:51:12
Unknown
This is something that I'm really passionate about in terms of arguing, because I literally had had this conversation 6 or 7 times in the last few weeks when talking to younger people or just keep they're going through some things, thank you for tuning in. Hopefully you enjoyed this. Share this with someone that could benefit from this. Meaning this Teevee.

00:15:51:16 - 00:15:55:18
Unknown
This is the Becoming Better Ancestors show. And until next time.