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March 29, 2023

“I Will Die For My Children But Don’t Ask Me to Take Care of My Health”

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Both of our immigrant fathers had strokes. 

My father is disabled and a shell of the man he once was. Charles father died shortly after his stroke. 

The motivation behind this conversation wasn't one of "happy, happy, joy, joy," but instead, it tackles an issue that plagues many men in immigrant families.

This episode is a heavy one.

I always find it fascinating to hear how many fathers will say they would die for their children, but many of those same dads struggle to live for them. 

It's a deep topic, but I promise that it's not all about death talk… 

We feel that these are topics that we should be able to talk about with ease. Just like we talk about sports and the weather. 

“Hey Bob! Let’s go for a walk. I need to talk to you about dying and who you used to prepare your will.” 

One might say we should “normalize” it. HAHA. 

I swore I would never use that term in my copy. But screw it.

It’s applicable. 


Hello everyone and welcome to the Teevee show podcast. Today we are talking to, or I am talking to and you're gonna be, um, have the privilege of listening in, listening into conversation. I'm gonna have with my good friend Charles Ogar. Um, before we move on, I'd like to allow Charles to give us a quick intro or bio of who you are and why we should give a damn why we should give a damn. That's very, yeah, that's a loaded question because you and I have a lot of history because like, I mean, we know each other from the dancing scene and sometimes in my Facebook memories, I remember the workshop where you came down to Houston to come and take a weekender when I was living in Houston teaching Kizo at the time. And then I feel like you helped me get my first membership site up and yeah, we've had a couple of like milestones and stuff like that over the years and I think even during the pandemic we like got to a point where we started having our Jedi meetings and stuff like that. So, Um, yeah. Um, glad to be on the show here with you a little bit about me. Um, I guess I'm most well known for being a Kizo instructor over the years and running a festival, the Neo Kma Festival from like that point. Um, I love creating intellectual dance content, uh, from blogs to graphics to YouTube videos and podcasts and all these kind of things. I've had you on my podcast and that's awesome to be on your podcast. We've had a couple of things I like. There's like a online lineage of like us, uh, together. But yeah, I am a dance, um, in a nutshell and I enjoy working in the dancing, creating opportunities. Um, yeah, and recently I've been learning coding as well, so I'm getting into the coding world and actually applying that coding knowledge to the dance scene as well, because why not? But yeah, that's kind of been my jam. So African American entrepreneur working in the dance scene over the past almost decade now. . Yeah, it's, it's been a while for sure. Mm-hmm. . Um, we've known each other. You were my first key Zumba instructor, quote unquote. Um, and probably my longest, one of the longest friendships I've had in the community. Mm-hmm. . So thanks for that. Uh, we've, we have a long history. We have a lot of work. We've worked together. I've, uh, done some work for you. Mm-hmm. , uh, and we've, uh, collaborated on, on things and definitely have had our Jedi, uh, sessions where, where we sit down mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . We were doing weekly sessions every week and just, uh, sharing what we got going on and what we're trying to work on, uh, to develop, uh, our growth growing and, and projects that we're working on, and how, just trying to help each other along the way. Mm-hmm. , definitely. That was, I was, that was fun. I think we did it for over a year, which was crazy. Mm-hmm. . But, um, the reason for this particular podcast is that we share something that is a bit tragic actually. Um, how do, how do you, I'm having trouble figuring out how to seamlessly tie into a very, morbid topic, which is that of death. Mm-hmm. . Um, I saw something recently that said that we, we look at death as if it's, you know, down the road. Uh, it's in the future, but in reality it's, it's ever present. It's every day. It's, it's a facet of life. It's the reason we get out of bed and, and really hustle, because death is a looming thing, and we hope to do more with it. But specifically as it relates to us, is that we both had fathers that had strokes. Mm-hmm. , um, I mean, we'll get into further details around that, but I, I'll start off with this, this notion is that we have, most fathers will say this, I don't care who they are, will say that I will die for my children. Mm-hmm. , and that's beautiful. Right. That's fantastic. And I don't care who they are. Almost everyone will say that. However, the challenge that, and the, the big thought experiment is, will you live for them though? . Mm-hmm. . That's deep right there. And that's where we jump in, right? It is, and it is true in the sense that I'll just share my story and then Charles, you jump in and share your story as it relates to our fathers and strokes. Right. Um, my father was a very independent Mexican man, macho, different generation, different culture. He's just ran the household with an iron fist. Mm-hmm. . Um, he didn't take care of his health. He, I didn't think about this till recently, but I've never ever seen my father even so much as, I don't know, run, jog, play, play any sports, which is crazy, right. Um, because Mexicans love football. I mean, football, soccer. Mm-hmm. soccer. Um, never in my life did I ever see him do anything remotely physical. So, . And, and on top of that, he ate like crap. He drank, he was an alcoholic. He, I have memory vivid memories of him throwing up blood in, in the toilet coming home late, late at night from long binges. Mm-hmm. long, um, nightly binges. I am having, I've been a little sick. No worries. I have some congestion issues and right now it's like a mess. So, anyways, and one of the things that even as he was getting older and older and his house started to fail him, um, his, he was seeing a doctor and he was being encouraged to take his medication. He had diabetes. He has a handful of things that were obviously starting to catch up to him and he just refused to do it. And at one point I actually told my, my family, I'm like, something's gonna happen to him and it's gonna be bad and it's gonna fall down on all of us. And sure enough, like when I, I recall saying that like two or three weeks later, my father had a stroke, basically put him on his ass. He had the belief that it's his body, he works his ass off. He deserves to eat what he wants, drink what he wants, which on some level I can understand the respect. However, the problem with that idea is that it's not just him. After the stroke, it became an obvi. It was obvious that the family was gonna have to pick up the slack. Um, I'm not gonna get into more details because I want you, Charles, to share your story of your father and, you know, some of the circumstances that, um, that you can One second. I'm sorry. Yeah, I got a call and now there's music playing in my headphones and I don't know where it's coming from. what the hell? Oh, that was me. , man. I think it's the most I've talked about the, oh, it's coming from, that was very weird. I was watching a review of a puck light on Amazon. I get a call, I turn off the Bluetooth from my call to listen to my phones, and then the other tab audio starts playing So weird. it defaulted to autoplay that, huh? Let me close all those other tabs and put my phone on d n d. Sorry about that. All right, I'm back. So going into sharing my, my dad's stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just, um, the similarities in, in terms of, you know, working mm-hmm. and busting his ass and whatnot. Yeah. So, My dad is, um, an immigrant, or was an immigrant, I should say. It's been very fascinating to say is versus was. Um, I've been finding myself, catching myself in that phrasing. You know, it's like, oh, my dad is Nigerian, but now I'm saying my dad was Nigerian, um, because he passed away in October. Where in December now? So two months ago, um, my dad passed away Wow. From having a stroke. So yeah, he came from Nigeria, you know, searching for the American dream, uh, went to college, got his degree, all that kind of stuff. And I was the first born. So, you know, the first born son of the immigrant. Coming to America is definitely a position that those parents definitely hold of highest esteem. Another interesting fact is that I'm the oldest of eight, so there was eight of us as well in the household. So, , like, it's been very fascinating to think about my dad's life and how hard he worked, and he was definitely a workaholic. Um, it was interesting to hear you talk about like, uh, football and soccer and things of that nature, because I remember my dad did play soccer at soccer is huge in Africa. Um, shout out to any Argentinians, uh, that are listening right now. Congratulations on the World Cup. Seeing you guys celebrate has been awesome. but um, yeah, my dad actually, I do have a lot of memories of my dad working out and like playing tennis specifically. Um, but that was on his younger side. But I guess maybe as you start to get older and have more kids, there was definitely, as he got into like more of an entrepreneurial world, he definitely worked a lot and he worked international commerce, I guess you could say, because he was shipping things back and forth. So there's time zone difference. So he's up late up early Oh, trying to get things done, all that kind of stuff, you know, and. Yeah. Like I feel like as he got older, um, less working out, less exercising and more stress for sure. And my mom would share all the time. Like, my dad's blood pressure is high. Um, he's always high, he's always stressed out. But my dad was hardheaded. He didn't wanna go to the doctor, he didn't wanna take any blood pressure medicine, anything like that. But he would talk your ear off about like the dangers of like eating meats and you should eat more vegetables and things of that nature. So it's really crazy to like hear that compromise. And it's like, don't eat meat, don't eat meat, don't eat meat, don't eat meat. And it's talking about the health and like, we are supposed to eat naturally, all that kind of stuff. But at the same time, it's like blood pressure is a, is a real thing. It's not a, a made up thing from Western medicine. Yeah. This is like the way that our bodies work and just staying on top of your blood pressure is like, you don't wanna take any medicine, that's fine, but still stay on top of your blood pressure and sign, find out what you can do naturally to like get it down, you know? So yeah, he ended up having a stroke in May and that was a huge hit for the family. Uh, my mom had to start taking care of him. He was paralyzed on the left side, and he was able to like talk and like, see what was going on in general, like in May, but just like over the past couple of months, like some things started to get better and other things didn't. And yeah, eventually he declined and declined until like one day he just, um, stopped eating and stopped taking his, um, supplements and things of that nature that my mom was giving to him. And I wanna say like three days after he stopped eating, uh, he definitely, um, passed away and yeah, I was able to drive to Houston to go see him. And yeah, it was unfortunate because it's like this was, this preventable, you know? And going back to the quote that you were saying before, It's like, Hey, I do anything for my kids. I die for my kid. I, I'll jump in front of a, a bullet for my kids to protect them, you know? But are you able to actually stop hustling so hard and, and prioritize your health and your wellbeing so you can live longer, because we're all going to eventually die, you know? So it's not about avoiding death, you know, but like prolonging it so he can be with them longer. Yeah. I remember, remember when you told me, and it, I lost it almost as if it was, he was my father in, in a way. Mm-hmm. . And as a friend, I can, I felt, um, I felt you. I, I felt the, the sadness around that obviously, but be mm-hmm. I lost, lost control. I, I was emotional and I ran to the bit because I knew what you were about to go through, or at least a version of what you were about to go through. Mm-hmm. , um, the moment when my father had a stroke, we all had to band together to show up and, and start to support my mom and do what we could. Mm-hmm. for him. By the way, my father did not die. Dang. Sorry. No worries. I could just feel this congestion to where it's like annoying. My father did not die, but it did leave him disabled. Um, to this day we, he, he has very little, um, strength in his left side of his body. He turns to slur. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Um, and. , he just doesn't, he can't care for himself. Mm-hmm. , he wants to drive, but he can't drive. He wants to drive in his truck because he wants to just, you know, I, to me it's the equivalent to think of a man and his horse. He wants to see the, the road. Mm-hmm. , which is crazy to me. I'm like, dad, you're never gonna drive again. He actually wanted to buy my girlfriend's car recently. I'm like, why? He's like, cause I want to drive. I'm like, dad, you're never driving. If you do, you're putting somebody's life in danger. Mm-hmm. . Um, but where was I going with that? Pardon me? My point is, I knew what you were gonna go through and how the family was gonna go through, because now, and this is the main point of all this, is as fathers, as men, as human beings, we have to care for ourselves. If we care for our family, if we truly care about our children, we should do a better job of caring for ourselves. Because someone's gonna have to care for you. Someone has to fill in those roles. Uh, for me, my mom right now, for us, our mom, to. feels a major part of the, uh, the caregiving role. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. and my baby sister, my baby sister has pretty much, her and her family are pretty much the, uh, the system, the, that takes care of them day to day. Cuz they're both older. Mm-hmm. . But my mom is there every single day, whereas my dad used to take off all the time and just get out, get outta dodge and go get drunk and do whatever he wanted. Mm-hmm. now, he can't even run away. He's stuck at home with a woman that really is not crazy about him. Mm-hmm. and all the children, like we all have lives, all of us have families. My baby sister luckily has, is in a place where she can support and she has this wanting and desire to do so, but it's just so hard. So when it happened to you, my heart broke for you, bro. Mm. Uh cause I knew your, your siblings were gonna have to fill in and come in and eventually, and this is what I told you is, , the whatever string you were holding onto your family. Cuz we all have stuff in our families, right? Mm-hmm. , um, it was gonna start to fracture whatever was keeping you together. Mm-hmm. , because it's putting stress. People are gonna, like, who's gonna take care of dad? Who's gonna do this? Who's gonna wipe his butt? Who's gonna take him to the doctor? Who's gonna mm-hmm. . And I just, I I told you like, man, I don't know what to tell you other than I'm sorry. I love you brother. Uh, I hope everything works out. So when you, and then when you told me that your father passed away, I was like, uh, I almost cried myself, but I definitely got rarely emotional for you. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Well, um, for sure. Did you have something else you wanted to say? No, I just wanted to say that what, what should we be doing as individuals? Mm. Shouldn't we be taking it? I guess a bigger topic is, as we're getting older, our parents are getting older and mm-hmm. , a lot of our peers are running into these same situations. A lot of our colleagues and peers and people that we know are like, what do we do? Nobody's given us a script or a, an outline for this. Yeah. So there's this narrative like, like you have to work really hard and kind of like break your back and to earn wealth. And this even overlaps with like wealth and earning money and scarcity of money because maybe it is a scarcity of a money mindset that even drives them to work as harder as they were working, you know? Um, I respect the hustle for sure. Yeah. And it's like, you know, they're doing the best that they can. You know, you're an immigrant from another country and you're trying to like hustle and provide for your family and things of nature. So it's definitely something to be, uh, honored and recognized and appreciated for sure. You know? Um, but yeah, the going to the strain on the family, you know, like. It's very interesting cuz they were the breadwinners, you know? So like, they're paying the bills, they're going to work, they're paying the taxes on the house, the insurance and all these things. Uh, managing the bank accounts and things of that nature, you know, and that's an important role to play, but you cannot do it by yourself. And like my dad was notorious for not including my mom in like financial decisions and things of that nature. He was like, oh, nope, I got it. I'm the macho man. I can handle it. And all that kind of stuff, you know, and even the way that he ran his business, there's like no systems in place, there's no processes, there's no documentation or anything like that. So my dad was entrepreneur as well. He did, um, he had his business. So when he had his stroke, since like passwords to accounts all in his head or in his phone or wherever he kept them. Um, no asset management. Um, no will, um, no deed passing over or anything of that nature, you know. Um, or transition plan. Yeah. So that was really stressful because power attorneys had to get placed medical, uh, power attorneys and things of that nature had to scramble and learn about all these things, you know, but it's like, if you know that you're gonna get older, planning ahead of time is gonna be something that's like, Hey, I care about my family, so I'm going to have a will in place. Yeah. I care about my family, so I'm gonna have a power of turning in place because I'm not Superman. I'm going to eventually die and I wanna make sure that my family is in place and I wanna make sure that things that I busted my ass for go to my family and not to the fucking government. You know? So I don't know where this ego thing that they have sometimes of like, not asking for help and not supporting themselves or not being, not being willing to like ask questions or look at another authority finger and take advice from them. You know? They just wanted to be like their own one man show to a degree. And it was really sad because like my dad busted his ass for almost, I'm 38 now, so at least. almost four decades, you know, and then it was kind of sucky to see all that hard work, just kind of like shrivel away. Cuz the moment he had a stroke, exactly. No more business, no more flights, no more airports, none of that. Because nothing was in place to kind of like, not be dependent on him. So like, is it like this weird, like, I want you to continue to be dependent on me type of situation mixed with ego to where like, I can handle everything and I'm Superman and I don't need any help versus like this, uh, distaste towards authority and things of that nature. You know, I know it's a little bit different with your dad because he was drinking and things of that nature. I don't think my dad did any of that. But it's still like a neglect of your own self, you know? And you know, like when you're on the plane, before you give a mask to anybody yourself, you have to put on your own masks for you to be able to help somebody else yourself. You know, I, I definitely think that it's this ego, this, this, and this fear. Mm-hmm. , master ego, fear of, of death, like obviously mm-hmm. , he knew he was getting older. Um, our dads have to know who, like, death is down the, is looming. It's, it's, mm-hmm. , it's like I said, it's, I think I may have said this before we started this idea that death is at the end of the road is actually in our lives every single day. Mm-hmm. . So we, we need to fear it and, and know and respect it. Like for me, I, I like to think that I have a healthy respect for it, but my father almost felt, or he portrayed himself. So I have to be careful with that because I, he never, we don't speak a lot, so I'm, I'm always making up stories, to be honest. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . But he definitely portrayed himself as a, uh, as, as invincible. He would argue with us. Cuz my, he was getting older and he was on a handful of medications. Again, he wasn't taking them. So it is like, why even bother going to the doctor like that? That was bananas to me. Mm. I remember you telling me that. He, crap, his insulin levels were through the roof and. , like the, there's a reason that these, this medicine is, is given to you. And he would say stuff like, Hey, it's my life. Nobody gives a shit about me. I'm gonna die. And no, everybody's gonna forget about me. And like, that's tough to hear as a son. They're like, are you serious? Like, you really believe that. But he just refused to do it cause he felt he was indestructible and somehow or another he can escape death. Mm-hmm. like, he can dude you, you're not that nimble. Come on. Um, and then when it happened, I mean, his, his, that, that's the other thing. When he had his stroke, he became the most, the softest man I've ever met. He went from the hardest mm-hmm. , rudest, uh, most obnoxious guy, Atong . Yeah. And to where now he is really soft because I think he's starting, obviously he has a choice. He has no choice but to sit and go nowhere and realize like, oh crap, I'm stuck here. And I, he's remorseful. Mm. So he's, he's become a big softie, but it. He before that he was anything but that. Um, and I lost my train of thought cause I'm all over the place. I have like 10 things I want to say. Mm-hmm. , uh, cause this is something I'm very passionate about. Okay. I know what it was. I think he's taught me a lot. Mm-hmm. , one thing I've, I know about my father is that he definitely has taught me a lot about what I shouldn't do. Mm. When it came to, when it comes to me being a dad and a father to my daughters, I got a lot from him on the, he modeled what I wasn't going to do. I made it so crystal clear cuz he did a lot of things that I wouldn't do. He was there for us. I wanna make sure to pay respect. Like he did hustle and he did bust his ass. He got his hair, he worked his ass off for the longest. Um, but then after that there was a lot of things that were missing and, and it's the culture. It's a different generation. So like I really want to acknowledge that like, he was still there in some capacity, but he modeled what I would didn't want to do. and I, let me backtrack a little bit. Mm-hmm. , I, I want to also add to this. My fa my brother passed away. Mm. He was 10 years old. He's 10 years older than me, would be 10 years older than me this year. So he would be 57. Mm-hmm. , he passed away. Oh man, I don't even know anymore. Five or six years ago. Mm-hmm. , he passed away. First he had a stroke. Same thing. He, he, and I'm also curious how much money played into it. Mm-hmm. , like refusing. So my brother was an entrepreneur. He had a trucking business. Mm-hmm. . So I wonder how much he refused to go to the doctor actually take care of his health, just because of money, which is a heartbreaking Right. You bust your ass, you bust your ass, but there's not enough money for the actual healthcare. Mm-hmm. . Um, but he had a stroke and he died, which is tragic, like outta nowhere. He just, it was, seemed like outta nowhere, although he had health issues. Mm-hmm. , not long after that, my father had a stroke. I'm like, oh shit. I gotta start taking care of myself. Like, like I didn't, I've always done a decent job, but realizing like it needs to be priority number one. Mm-hmm. , no ball. Robin Con, we both love says that that actually should be priority number one. You should be doing, taking care of, doing something physical, first thing in the morning, taking care of yourself. Cause otherwise, what's the point of it all? Exactly. Like you can't appreciate life if your health is slowly deteriorating or much worse. Mm-hmm. as you get older now, you can't appreciate all this that you've been building. Um, but I started to take care of myself and I guess the point I wanted really want to get to as well is having a plan in place for my children to be able to get all my stuff. Mm-hmm. , have access to everything, have them, uh, on the will. That's something I have, I I all I meant I need to do in January. Mm-hmm. is have that in place, but they, I'm already transitioning. Like, have they give them access to everything Cuz there's things that we can do as adults. to make sure that we make it as easy as possible for our children. Yeah, the, the pillar that I hear you talking about now is generational wealth. You know, as colored people, you know, and sons of immigrants, you know, like they are chasing the American dream and the wealth and things of that nature. And there's a whole subtopic of like trading your time for money and how to accumulate money and like all that kind of stuff. And I feel like that's a whole nother finance topic that we can go on. But since we're more on the topic of health with this podcast, I feel like having that plan in place is super important because if not all this, um, work and things that you're building, if you don't have it in place, the government comes in and Yeah. And they start to like auction off your assets and things of nature because you're not passing it on to somebody else. You know, even my mom, even though she was married to my dad for 30 plus years, she. didn't have access to his bank accounts, you know, and so you have to like go get a death certificate and things of that nature. It's just like a lot of that work can be avoided if there's a plan in place. And yeah, you can have a will and it can be a living will. You can go back and update it every year and things of that nature, you know, because tomorrow is not, uh, guaranteed. And yeah, your health should be your primary one. Um, another thing I'll share here with your listeners is that I am a twice open heart surgery survivor. I've had it twice, so it's definitely something that I think about and we're not, uh, invincible in that regard. So, Four, the things that you care about. Like what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do when you're not here? Or in a case of emergency, who do you want to make medical decisions for you? You know, um, if you're incapacitated or in unconscious, unconscious and can't speak for yourself, who do you want to step up and make those decisions for you? You know, and I feel like this, this topic does not get talked about in the minority community. You know, um, you always see the statistics of like, uh, colored families have less, uh, asset value for their families compared to other white families. You know, and this is another topic as well, you know, like, obviously there's like, uh, systemic racism and things of that nature that affects, uh, bipo people, you know? And that's definitely something that's in the system, you know, but like, how much of it is just knowledge that is free that needs to be consumed and appli. , you know, nobody's holding a gun to your head and say, you can't go to the library. Nobody's holding a gun to your head and say, you can't buy a book on Amazon, on, on tax code. You know, nobody's holding a gun to your head and say that you can't pick up a thing and, and learn about how compound interest works and things of that nature. You know, the knowledge is out there, but why aren't we proactively seeking out that knowledge to better ourselves and to leave something behind for our future generations? You know, what's, what's the, the blockage that's happening? Because before it was literal guns and whips and change and lynchings and things of that nature, but now it's not, you know? Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , uh, generational ignorance Also maybe. Mm-hmm. , build on top of that. Yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm. Hmm, that's fair. Mmm. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Definitely. When you were talking about that, I thought of blue collar work versus white collar work and knowledge workers. You know, like if you take a look at it, we got coders, we got, uh, graphic designers and things of that nature. So now you have more people that are sitting in front of a computer to, um, earn their income, whereas before maybe they're under a truck or under a car or fucking roofing or something of that nature, you know? So like you've already busted your back, so how you're gonna go back and like now start doing some crunches and stuff like that, you know? So that's a very fair point that I did not consider. for sure, but even that's a whole thing of like, do you have to break your body in order to earn money, you know? And so, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Walking is the basic one. You don't have to go on like bench press 500 pounds, you know, but a walk outside stretching is nice as well. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm hmm. Mm-hmm. to where it's an e. Mm-hmm. . Yeah, definitely. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , exactly. Going on that, if we talk about comparison of like maybe our father's generation to now is the amount of information that is online now. You can pretty much YouTube anything right now. Whereas before YouTube wasn't even a thing. So maybe you had to like find a book, but that's also gonna be hard to figure out and all that kind of stuff. So maybe there's more knowledge around things now and like you can freaking go down the internet rabbit hole on any topic you want nowadays, which is insane. So it's a lot easier, you know? So staying on top of, uh, those pains and things of that nature because you're trying to live longer for the family that you care about, you know? And I think another thing is as well is like both of our fathers ended up becoming a burden. They went from the breadwinners and like, Hey, I have my family on my back to now I need my family to bathe me and feed me. You know? And so part of this, uh, mindset that is super important for our fathers and people in the black community is like realizing like, Hey, your time here is limited. You care about this family. We appreciate, we see your effort. We want to recognize that we want to value that. But we also don't want to have you become a burden because like we see that autonomy is important for you. We see that this independence is important for you. We want to help support you as you get older so you can continue to have as much independence as you can. And you don't become a burden for all of us, for us who are trying to continue to build on top of what you've been building for us. Now I have to stop and work and like take care of you. Now I have to take a flight and it's just like, it's not a opportune timing to like work so hard. You wanna push your kids, but then you end up having a health emergency. And so now that's a detractor from the rest of the family. And the thing, the difference with us is like my dad's situation was maybe five months and like it's been a few years now. So now it's an ongoing. Multiple year care process that now is taking away time from what your family could be using to like continue and build on their legacy of what they've built so far. So it's like you're shooting yourself in the foot. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, it's definitely an important point, you know, because you said you mentioned humiliation and you also mentioned, uh, ego, but it takes, yeah. Um, yeah, so. . It's a really good point that you're bringing up because you mentioned ego and you mentioned humiliation, and these are bigger doses of both. But maybe there is a little bit of ego that has to swallow and a little bit of humiliation that you have to swallow to go and do a doctor's visit beforehand. You know, bef because like an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure, you know? So had he had, he taken a smaller dose of ego and was like, oh, you know, right. Let me go to the doctor. Oh, you know, this how thing's important. Let me take my medicine. You know, those are little, I guess moments of like, I don't wanna say taking medicine is humiliating, but like, just ego. Like you're putting yourself in thinking, yeah. Acknowledging that something's wrong. But then it's like even self-care, you know, like, you know, we talk about a lot about mental health nowadays. You know, there's like the love languages and things of that nature, and I know what mines are and like my dad, was also with the iron fist. And so he would like no problem slapping you in the face or kicking you or anything like that, you know? And so as a person who has a high love language, uh, score for physical touch, then those things really hurt, you know, because it's like a double-edged sword. Like hugs are really, really nice, but also opposite things are really, really nice, you know? And it took me a long time to be able to like forgive my dad for those things and make me think about what are my dad, what were my dad's love languages? What were his dad's love languages? You know? Cuz sometimes he passed these things down from generation to generation, you know? And you mentioned before you want to be the, the father that your dad wasn't, you know? And I feel like that's one way, like inspiration of like, I'm not gonna be like you, but I feel like, like me at the, my dad's memorial service actually gave a speech and then gave a eulogy, you know, and there's a empathy, the anger subsides. , you know, and I you, there's a empathy for like, Hey dad, I appreciate that you did the best that you did with the knowledge that you had. You know, and now I'm able to like take that and like end that, uh, generational trauma passing down. So if I ever have kids or anything like that, you know, I'm gonna be so much more mentally aware and emotionally aware, um, to not just take that trauma that from whatever happened, you know, with, you know, civil rights going on before and frustrations of not being able to get a job and however that looked in Africa and like there's just pain that's been passed down and maybe it takes some time to like, Hey, get that. Thanks for doing the best that you could with the knowledge that you had. I got it from here and that cycle ends with me. You know? Um, I feel like that's super important cuz I still have my brothers, I'm the oldest of eight so I can kind of help, uh, be there for my brothers and even any. It doesn't even have to be like the brothers of my blood, like any other younger person or older person that I can help with advice or knowledge or mentorship is gonna just help the whole community kind of move forward. And even with this podcast, this is one of the things that's powerful with content creation. Us as, uh, sons of immigrants coming together as we get older to talk about these things that we can pass down to future generations. Um, whether your parent is listening and they have kids, or maybe you're in your twenties and your parents are in their fifties, so now you can start thinking about them for the listeners. There's so many different ways that you can take this knowledge and start to think about, to either talk about your parents or if you are a parent, talk to your kids and thinks of these things. Because death is, death is not something that's like, oh, a statistic that you hear on the news and things of that nature. Death is like, Hmm, yeah. It's a thing. You know? So it's, it's pretty solemn and like you said, it's, it's a morbid topic. , but at the same time, it's like, if you don't talk about it, then yeah, it just ends up becoming a, a burden. And let's say death didn't happen. Like in the case of your dad, death didn't happen. He had a stroke, he didn't die. And now it's a multi-year care infrastructure that you have to kind of create to make his days comfortable. But now it's just, uh, something that he has to be carried through those days, you know? Mm-hmm. there you go. Hmm mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm, hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. No, you're fine. But I think you're driving a point home for them to listen because this is real shit. This is real life and death. You know Cindy? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can stick 'em in a nursing home, you know, but then that ends up being just like a financial situation of what's going on. You. Um, I have another friend named Melissa and she's, uh, of Asian descent. And you know, it's interesting, like 30, getting closer to 40. And your peers around that age, they're talking to their parents and either my, my peers around my age have had parents pass away or they're getting to the point to where their parents are starting to have health issues. You know, and I feel like the, a common thread that I'm seeing, at least in my experience, is the immigrant parent not wanting to be proactive in staying on top of their health. Hey, get your blood pressure checked. You know, stay on top of it. You know, it does not make sense. I want your sacrifice to actually pay off. So let's not be silly. Let's honor that sacrifice. Let's, um, appreciate you know, what you did to bring us here. I appreciate you bringing me here. And the opportunities that being an America uphold, let's use this American technology and system in place. To make sure that we have powers of attorneys that we have set up. Let's make sure that we we're checking your blood pressure. Let's make sure you have a primary care physician and let's set up a month, twice a year to kind of get a checkup and things of this nature. You know, like these are small things we can keep in place because your health is going to fail. Even if you have the best habits, it's body is gonna shut down. You know, you're just trying to like prolong that so that way you can like, uh, I guess have an elderly, uh, period with grace and as least amount of humiliation, um, as possible versus, uh, I guess because of ignorance and like putting things off until it becomes in an emergency, you know? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , exactly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting to mm-hmm. Yeah. So we have a family lawyer that was able to help us and like, kind of help support us and like let us know of like p potential pitfalls that could happen if we don't have certain documents in place. So that was helpful to kind of have that guidance, but a lot of it would've been easier to handle had there been, uh, talks beforehand about like, Hey, this is what's gonna happen, you know? And so, yeah, I feel. , like, I'm thinking of my dad's eulogy that I gave, you know, and there was a lot of compassion. Um, I feel like my dad gave me trauma for sure. You know, and I think there's like a maturing that goes through to kind of like, see that, like that trauma didn't directly come from him, it came from his parents, and it's just like passed down, you know? So obviously there are lots of things that my dad could have done better. Uh, at the same time, you also have to understand like the, what my dad had to surpass and kind of put up with the kind of push through, you know? Um, but yeah, this ego to have so much, um, ego and like rule with the iron fist, but then also to fail at caring for yourself is a very interesting paradigm. You know, because you would think like, hey, like if you have a car or something of my nature, like, or a business, this material thing, you know, like you're working, you're sacrificing your sleep for if you have a car, you're gonna do the maintenance and get the oil change and all that kind of stuff, you know? but then why are you not looking at your own life and your own health and doing those maintenance, uh, routine things to kind of make sure that you're around to continue working on the business and to continue to keep your autonomy and independence. Yeah, it's a, mm-hmm. , it's definitely for them at the end of the day. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. they're fruits of their sacrifice. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . That's true. Mm-hmm. Mm. It is definitely, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to say how long they're gonna be there, you know? So it's like, what, what dinner is gonna be? The last one? You know, what story that you hear is going to be the last one. Um, yeah. It's, it's crazy to thinking like it's numbered. It's like, imagine if we woke up and like, Hey, and we knew we were gonna live into a hundred. You know, it's like, oh yeah, I have 20 years left, you know, or I have this years left. And then we get close to it. It's like, oh, well this is the last year. All right. This is gonna be the last one, guys. . We don't act like that, but like sometimes that's the case, you know? And so even when my dad passed away, you know, or like a friend is like going home, it's like, Hey, text me when you get home. Because like, I don't know if you're gonna make it home with like a car accident or something of that nature, when's the last time you're gonna hug someone? It's just crazy because, you know, you're all eventually gonna pass away at unknown times. So I feel like you can definitely spiral off into like this whole existential dread type of situation because you don't know how long you're gonna live. You don't know how long your kids are gonna live and things of that nature. Um, but like the kindness and compassion and things of that nature is, is, is super important, you know? Um, and we just try to do the best we can and share this knowledge like we're doing in this podcast right now is super important. And I also want to publicly. Expressing gratitude for the talks that we did have because that was super helpful around that time. Uh, I feel like I'm just now cr crawling out of that mental funk a little bit because the last couple of months have been kind of heavy. Just knowing that like that death and having it so close, uh, definitely affects you mentally for sure. You know, and I really appreciate the talks that we had to kind of just knowing that somebody else has also been through that and just express like love and care for that. Um, I think that was super awesome. And so I want to also publicly thank you for lending a ear and sharing your experience as well. Um, lots of brotherly love and I feel like that's important, especially, uh, as we move forward and like talk about our emotions, talking about that as well. That's another point, like, hey, two men getting on a call and talking about emotions and processing things. I feel like that's something that's healthy. So I'm glad that we have been able to have that, uh, bond over the years as well. And especially when it came to something heavy like this with the, with the family health emergency, you know. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. for sure. Uh, no, just appreciation for having me here and to share these stories and using the power of content to help spread the story and to make a better impact on the future generations that are gonna come after us. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Thanks. Uh, I think the best thing to see everything that I do is to go to neo kmba.com/links, L I K L I N K S. Um, you'll see. podcast, YouTube videos, blogs, uh, courses, websites. I do a lot of different things, but that's the best way to kind of like see what I, the things I do. And if anything interests you, you can check that out. Again, that's neil zomba.com/links, and I'm, I'm sure you'll include that in the show notes or something like that. 100% I'll include in the show notes. Um, and with that, thank you for tuning in. Make sure to subscribe, like, comment, leave a review. I can't think of anything else. Like do all the things you're supposed to do on the internet, guys. Mm-hmm. , I love you. Please share this and, uh, with someone that could appreciate and, and enjoy this message and learn from it frankly. Um, until next time, my name is Teevee and I'll see you then. Bye-bye.